Anesthetic

My lips are loose with careless words threatening at the edges. I shouldn’t have drank on a broken heart. Everyone at some point, tries to comfort the pain. The only difference is our anesthetic – Nicotine, alcohol, adrenaline, religion, whatever that numbs the pain. But I’ve always prided myself on dealing with problems head on. Imagine a scene where the actor pulls out a bullet, with nothing more than sheer will and grit.

Yet tonight, my blood is tinged with alcohol.

“You sure you’ll be alright?” he sounded anxious.

From completely different worlds, we somehow managed to reach out far enough to meet in the middle. Our characters were stretched to compromise the differences. But like a rubber band, we instantly snapped back into our worlds the moment we let go.

We were opposites who needed each other to exist. How can shadows appear if there is no light?  As candles in cathedrals flickered at night, so did we pray to save each other. Flowing endlessly into each other, giving and taking without question. Everything had a purpose. Without the sun, even the moon fails to shine at night.

 My mind is foggy “I shouldn’t be calling you. It doesn’t help with letting go.”

Addiction is a tricky thing. But there’s a simple truth: Withdrawals only feel like you’re dying. But staying addicted is what really kills. I inhaled every inch of him, afraid to ever lose a part of him, readily accepting the bad parts. Every time I tried to let go, I relapsed into sending another text. Craving for a daily dose to stay functioning and barely sane.  It killed me inside for everyday that we were separated.

“It’s alright, I’m here for you.” Always ready, always waiting.

I’m sorry for not allowing room for you to grow, stifling you with what I thought was love – when at times, it was only love for myself.  And even when you’ve done your worst to me, I should’ve understood you were acting out of hurt. But instead, my mind’s walls formed taller and thicker around my heart to push you away. My greatest regret was failing to open up when we needed honest communication the most.

Above all, I’m sorry for manipulating you to protect myself.

“I never want to see your face again.” My words slurred, betraying me.

 

Written by Abigail Tan Sze-Xin. All rights reserved.

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